I am a man afflicted by feeling too much; he has given me a bitter cup of caring too much and it confuses me. He has let lose my thoughts and emotions on all things; he has opened the flood gates for me to love others but has withheld the armor against sinfulness. He shows me the ignorant to tease me into resentment; he has made my chains heavy as I long to serve him.
I call and cry for help, but he pours more cold water into my flooded soul. As I hunger for reprieve, he dangles the honey soaked sweetness of sin before me. Like permanent thorns on my side I feel and see the stings of my sinfulness all the time. It burns in the day and throbs in the night.
How lonely sits this beaten soul! The Lord places vultures and hyenas around his bloated body. They pick at his rotting flesh as he foolishly seeks their approval. He never learns. He weeps bitterly as he tries to find love among his friends and family. He finds none. He’s a chameleon; he tries to blend in; like tainted grease he fails to latch onto water. He runs into a cave that is in his head.
“Why oh Lord? Why is this so hard?” O Lord, where is my sanctuary on this desert land? Her sand is scorching hot and her people refuse to hear you. Even those that seemingly come to you scorn you and forsake you. My anger burns against this injustice; this flame consumes me and I become dust again.
The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.” Lamentations 3:22-24, ESV
Thus I pray O Lord, “Remember my afflictions. Never stop reminding me of the good things to come. Restore your kingdom swiftly. End this toil I pray. Your grace is sufficient for me. Your yoke is light. I want to fall into your outstretched arms Father. I want to shed all my sinful pride, lust, sloth and greed and completely and utterly kneel and bow before you. To be awe-struck and busk in your glory. I want to be clothed in your righteousness and feel the warmth of your nail pierced hands. I want to say to you, “this is enough. You are enough”. Renew the hope of my inheritance with passion Father. Recharge me with zeal like gushing winds and ten thousand bolts of lightning. I want to draw the sword of your word and crush the enemies before me. I want to praise you that my ceaseless temptations, toil, burdens and pain are your sharpening implements. Because of these, I can see the complete and perfect need for the cross with greater clarity each time. In your Son’s name. Amen.”